These days a lot of couples struggle to set aside enough for their own long-term security, let alone financial aid for extended family. But that doesn’t stop relatives from asking.
If you’re the one being asked, it leads to moral and financial quandaries.
Imagine Phil, 62, who spent years socking away money in 401(k)s and Roth IRAs to ensure he and his wife Susan could have a comfortable retirement — saving up $600,000 to date. They’ve almost paid off their home.
They were feeling relatively secure until Phil’s 77-year-old sister Dorothy approached Phil for financial help.
Dorothy and her husband Sean aren’t doing so well, financially or physically. They’ve been surviving on Social Security for years. They remortgaged their home to pay for Sean’s medical bills. They only have $25,000 in savings.
Now Dorothy’s worried about losing her home after Sean dies. That’s why she’s approached Phil. He’s concerned for his sister, but equally anxious that his wife and children be provided for.
Here’s what’s at stake and what to do if you find yourself facing a similar dilemma.
When it comes to retirement, today’s retirees are like canaries in the coalmine — and their younger siblings are watching how they fare.
Someone like Dorothy is particularly vulnerable, with just $25,000 in the bank compared to the average $200,000 that 65 to 74-year-olds have set aside as a nest egg (1). Even that’s not enough to last the average 20-plus years Americans live post-retirement, particularly if they need long-term care.
No wonder a 2025 Goldman Sachs survey found that 60% of Americans are worried about running out of money before they die (2).
It’s hard to stand by while a sibling struggles, but it’s important to prioritize your immediate family’s needs before assisting other relatives.
Marriage is a financial and legal partnership. It’s common for assets to be jointly held in a marriage, as they are in Phil’s case, including their home, bank and investment accounts and car.
That’s why his first move should be to have an open discussion with his wife about his sister’s request, because any financial decision will have an impact on his spouse.
These are the kinds of things to discuss with a spouse if a sibling asks for money:
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How helping out a sibling might affect your estate plan, and how that might impact how much your spouse and children might inherit.
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Whether you should give your sibling an outright gift or a loan.
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What an acceptable maximum dollar amount would be after stress-testing retirement projections.
Once you’ve talked things through with your spouse, and preferably a financial advisor as well, have a candid talk with your sibling about the potential costs — not just financially, but emotionally — of your support.
Boston University sociologist Nazil Kibria studies economic inequality between siblings — what she calls “cross-class siblings” — and how it affects family dynamics.
She describes the challenges in a Psychology Today article, noting how tricky things get when it comes to loans (3).
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Kibria suggests that siblings (whether they’re the ones giving or receiving a loan) do a gut-check on whether a loan could erode their relationship long term.
If you are going to give your sibling money, be aware that $19,000 is the maximum you can gift tax-free. Above that, the IRS will charge you (the donor) with a gift tax.
Alternatively, you could offer strategic help instead of ongoing cash support. Here are some ways to do that:
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Pay for a financial advisor to review your sibling’s financial plan to make the most of what they have.
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Help them evaluate potential survivor benefits and insurance coverage.
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Talk about their downsizing before they face a financial crisis.
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Fund a limited emergency reserve rather than subsidizing them long-term.
You may already have prepared power of attorney, wills, beneficiary designations and trusts, but it’s wise to review them.
If a sibling reaches out for help, that could lead to a material change in your estate plan. It’s a good idea to involve a lawyer or financial advisor who specializes in estate planning to provide advice.
Again, the law itself makes clear that your first duty is to provide for your spouse — during your lifetime together and after you die. Every state specifies a minimum portion of your estate (generally 30% to 50%) to which your spouse is entitled.
Likewise, spouses — not siblings — are generally the beneficiaries of retirement accounts and life insurance policies. Surviving spouses can claim Social Security benefits based on their deceased spouse’s earnings record.
So be cautious about naming your sibling as a beneficiary on any accounts.
Helping a sibling get their finances in order is a good thing to do. But do it in a way that won’t jeopardize your relationships or your immediate family’s long-term financial security.
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Federal Reserve (1); Goldman Sachs (2); Psychology Today (3); IRS (4)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
